Homeboy Handbook

Homeboy Handbook: Rules of Engagement

This is the official hand book for homeboys on the go. Intended for use only by certified homeboys you may be out with. It will protect and promote favorable social environments. Always follow the guidelines and you will benefit through positive reaction. Feel free to reply with any additional rules. We will run them through our field testing team to ensure maximum quality assurance. There will be 100 in all and we will update as needed.

~ OWN IT ~

1. NEVER degrade, abuse or make fun of the homeys, even if it will make you look cool in front of the chicks.

2. Always keep an eye out for trouble, let your homeys know when its coming and have his back if he is taken off guard.

3. If you need to make fun of someone, let it be the chicks... They love that shit.. Fuck em if they can't take a joke.

4. If the party starts to die, or you see a homey kinda lost and wandering around.. Always, make a scene and toast the mutha fucka..

5. Never expose your group to women who wiegh over twice the wieght of your smallest homey.

6. If your homeboy has a dime and she has some busted homegirls, you must ALWAYS take one for the team. He will then owe you one. This rule is not applicable to the guidlines if said wingman must break restrictions of rule number

5. (Unless he is ok with it, which of course should be thoroughly discussed to make sure he hasn't had too much to drink)

7. If one of your crewmembers is singing obnoxiously and screwing it up, crank up the music and get live with him. You are supposed to be the happening crowd.

8. A beer at a homeys pad is always your beer as well.

9. If at a social gathering, and a team member is seen with an almost empty glass, make sure someone gets him a refill if he isn't on his game. This will ensure there is no pause or transition of the atmosphere.

10. Under no circumstance is Cock Blocking allowed. This is a serious offence in the Homeboy Code. The only time Cock Blocking could be permittable is if your Homey has had to much to drink and is actually in violation of a rule .. ..
..

11. Never, ever speak for a Homey in the presence of a law inforcement offical.. (ie. "Hey why the fuck you pullin us over pig!") This is also a serious offence and could end up splitting up a crew for good. Either by jail time or a severe fist fight that's worse than the last 3 you had.

12. This rule is in conjunction with rule 11. If confronting a officer of the law, never refer to him as Piggy, Copper, Chief, King Dickhead, Faggot, Motherfucker etc...

13. No fratinization between yourself and chicks that are currently involved with another Homey. This means no groping, kissing, sucking, well you get the point.

14. Never engage in fratinazation with a chick who has been in ANY type of relationship with a homey. This rule may be waived either by affected homey or by a majority of homey's who all know the affected homey. As such, if it is a mojority waive, the rule breaker must be made aware of the ramifications to this violation...

15. Never sell your homey Wolf Tickets. To anything. Homeys must always know whats up. This is important to save face for everybody... Trust me...

16. Homeys do not drink and drive. Even though all homeys have broken this rule at some point, as a RULE we do not encourage this and if you see a Homey doing so, please try to let him know he is in violation of said rule and there is a high probability he will very soon be in violation of rule 11 as well.

17. You must know how to hold your liquor. If you can't handle the drink, and you get sick, you then put your whole crew in the line of fire as the "Assholes." If a homey breaks this golden rule it is permissable for the rest of his party to then negate rule 1. IF in doing so they may be able to recapture the top status at the scene. If your cool status is unrepairable, refer to rule 100.

18. Married women are out of bounds.. If you know the husband or not, this is just a good rule in any situation. Plus, there is just way too much ass out there to be fuckin up your mojo on someone else's old lady. If you already hit this broad AND THEN find out she's married, might as well keep tappin it though. Fuck it.

19. When drinking with ones pops, always let the old man have the final drink.. This shows respect and can also help if your broke, as he may pick up the tab!!

20. Open the door for women. This is two fold. It makes you look like a gentleman, bringing a feel of security to your presence. And with this feeling, women are more enclined to hang out with you and your "ever so sweet" homeys.

21. WOMEN, can be homeys. Taking advantage of clause in rule 25 or under these circumstances:
a) If they're in a serious relationship with one of your homeboys. (Hey it happens in all crews)
b) If they are a well known friend of a girl who has earned homey status.
c) If you've known her for a really long time.
d) If she has been let in the crew in any way, and has partied with you all at least 5 times without anybody hitting it. If anybody has hit it, then she is just a cool chick to party with and it is wise for all members of the crew to try and get a piece of that.

22. If a woman is a homey, every crew member must protect her like a little sister. Even if your wrong and try to beat up one of her ex boyfriends because you thought it was a random guy at the bar trying to hit on her. Better to be on top of your game and say sorry, than to let some fool slip on your crew.

23. If any crew member owns guns, keep them away from the ballsy homeys. It has been documented on numerous occasions that a pissed off homey will in fact shoot things in his own house just to make a point. This can really put a damper on your party, but give you something really cool to talk about later.

24. It's never acceptable for a homeboy to hit, slap, kick, choke or punch a chick. It's ok to restrain a chick from hitting a homeboy. This rule may be waived if the chick expresses interest in this type of "foreplay" during sexual relations.

25. It is acceptable for a homegirl to hit a chick, and it can even be considered hot in some instances. Always have your camera ready. This is the only other way for a woman to obtain homey status other then previously mentioned methods.

26. When out with the homies and you see women snapping pictures with digital cameras, always scream, "Yay Myspace!" and jump in the picture. This will then put you on the same coolness level with the newly found hotties and also help boost your Myspace fame.

27. When your homeboy has a cool saying (You know what time it is, I'm Rick James bitch, Don't call me white, You take it in the butt? Get in there with your shoes off and make me some pot pies, etc..) it's accepted and expected for the rest of the immediate homeboys to also use these these great ice breaking party lines. This ensures everyone in the crew looks just as cool as the next guy, making your party click unstoppable.

28. If a bouncer gets in your grill and has beef with you or one of the homeys, it is always expected of you not to take his shit. The only time you put up with it is if there are cops in the area, and this is at the homeys perogative!! It is then acceptable to hunt the bouncer down after the scene dies and stomp his ass.

29. Always let a homey know if there is a dress code. This way he is prepared if he is still down to go to this location. If you get to a spot and someone isn't "dressed right" (God forbid it was hot and he just wanted to wear shorts) it's expected of the closest living homeboy to offer him a change of clothes from his pad.

30. If at a bar with the homeys, dont just hang in one group, get away and mingle. This will help give your party the popularity, the "those guys party" look and the feel of dominance. Because you have disbanded certain clicks of homeys throughout the place and all the hotties with cinamon num nums see people you know everywhere. You are so damn cool.

31. Never take longer than one drink, after entering a bar, party ect, to make the move on a prospective chick. We've all done this and sometimes the ladies will give you an exception if your final game is just right. But the sooner you jump in any womans shit, the smaller the chance of her seeing any flaws in your pimp hand strong game. Plus your confidence level drops in her eyes if you wait forever to approach. Just walk up and make an ass out of yourself.

32. Never allow your homey to eat a dead blowfish from the aquarium at a Bar-B-Que. This tends to freak out the ladies and your homey will worry all night about brain mites and death. As well as have poison control up his ass. It's probably not worth the 20 bucks...

33. If a homey is disabled you are expected to treat him like every other homey. NEVER help him with shit unless he asks. Unless your helping to uphold a certain rule. Contrary to popular belief, he doesn't even want you to fight for him. It is acceptable however, to hand him his baseball bat or give him a little push.

34. It is not at any point acceptable for a crewmember to let a homeboy go out looking rough, tore back or otherwise fucked up. Even if your just running down the street, at least have a clean shirt on. As you all know, you meet the coolest chicks when your not expecting. If he walks out dirty and stankin, your screwed. In this state of emergency you must do everything in your power to get the homeboy pimped out.

35. It is your obligation to inform a crewmember of his execution of a bitch move. If you have a crewmember who breaks this rule habitually, you should discuss any further communications with him to all affected homies.

Bitch Move (bch mv) v. moved, moving, moves v.intr.
Any voluntary action that brings shame either to you, or also to your homies. It is characterized by being extremely duplicitous or unnaturally underhanded when it is not called for.

36. In the unfortunate event that you discover that your homeboy has hooked up with a ho, a scandalous skeezer or skank, you are tasked to inform him. Homies can be easily decieved by the skillfull harpies and will sometimes need an outside source to open his eyes to the villainus ways of these tricksters. It's acceptable for you to tell that bitch to kick rocks once he has seen the light.

skank (skngk) n.
One who is disgustingly foul or filthy and often considered sexually promiscuous. Used especially of a woman or girl.

37. When a crewmember is engaged in a one on one fight never jump in. Breaking this rule will have your whole crew labeled as pussies. Just think of it as, everyone needs a good ass beating every now and then. It is acceptable to void this rule if they offensive party calls out your whole crew. Also if certain offenders have previously jumped one or two solo members of your crew.

38. When inviting a crewmember to meet up with a chick your trying to bang, you must always provide entertainment. Preferably another female companion. If she is going to be alone, it is not advised to bring any homies. If your all friends and usually go out together, provide the muthafucka some alcohol or something. Come on!

39. You never under any circumstances sell out a crewmember. This not only makes you a homeboy but also a True G. The ramifications of performing this action are dire and you will be dealt with to the fullest extent of the homeboys code.

40. No man shall ever leave his Homeboy to the certain chain of death. Known commonly as the Red Headed Beast, or whore.

whore, (hôr, hr) The English word referring to (female) prostitutes, is taken from the Old English word hora (from the Indo-European root ka meaning "desire")(Red Headed Beast of course derived from the great Al Bundy)

1. A prostitute.

2. A person considered sexually promiscuous.

3. A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.

4. A person who is really mean or up to no good.

41. NEVER take moral advice from a stripper. We all love em, but stop... Think about it...

42. If ever in a situation where your homey has the opportunity to have sexual relations with a midget but he's hesitant because he has a significant other,

kindly remind him that it's ok to engage with the half pint hotty as it has been scientifically proven that midgets are not real people.* So he can have fun and it won't count as cheating.

.. If your homey is reffering to the guidlines and is confused as to which number a rule is or purpose of said rule, kindly take him aside, bitch slap him and set him straight.

*This fact has only been proven true during quick responses to arguments as well as impaired stints of judgement.

Parody - Rules do have significant chance of making you cooler. These rules will not make you rich. We can not be held responsible for any damage or self mutilation caused by following these rules.
Copyright 2007: Brad Koehler and Dustin Case